One of the forty-six things I want to get done this year, between birthdays, is get hypnotised in order to lose weight. Ah, yes, loosing weight: that most useful of life pursuits! Anyway, I had come across hurdles and impasses—mainly due to an extreme dislike of attending doctor's surgeries, even for the purpose of a referral and especially because, in order to get one, the one charlatan sleazoid I did see advised I would have to go on a mental health plan. Don't even get me started on patriarchal medicinal control of women, misdiagnoses of hysteria based on gender, or the warped nature of body image! But I did, with the help of the boy, locate a non-referral hypnotherapist and so far have attended three of six sessions designed to make me forget biscuits, change my lifestyle forever and loose weight. Can I say, I want to believe, but I'm skeptical. Here's what's going through my head:
One: I thought I was suggestible. I love advertising and images, and I am suckered into them. Always. 'Ooh, new marshmallow sweets, have to buy them next time I am at the shops.' I thought this would make me a good hypnotherapy candidate, but my damn conscious mind gets to work as soon L——, my therapist, starts doing her thing. It's a little monologue going something like this: 'I'm still awake; I can hear all this; You are supposed to hear it, it's not sleeping; Stop talking and listen; I can't see the things she is asking me to visualise; Oh this is a crock; Who just walked past; Sorry, what? What am I supposed to be doing again'. My conscious not allowing my subconscious to take every thing in. The thing about the subconscious is I'll never know if that is the case—except by my actions—and my actions aren't exactly screaming 'changed woman, not even fazed if you have a crate of biscuits in front of me'.
Two: She's a hypnotherapist, not a dietician. I know what I should and shouldn't eat. I also have my own ideas about what I do and don't consider good and bad foods. For example, I would rather have four percent fat in my milk than hyper-processed and sugar-increased 'altered' or 'alternative' milks such as skinny, soy or almond—given I don't use a lot of milk anyway. I didn't go this hypno track because I don't know what to do; I went because I don't want to do it. I don't want to lose weight, I want to want to lose weight. Subtle difference. I tried explaining that to L——, she came back with: 'You can choose one of two paths, you can eat things that are good for your body and make you healthy, or you can eat things that are bad for you'. Umm yeah, but one of those paths tastes better and is easier to do when shopping is a chore from hell.
Three: Why do I need to cut so much coffee out of my life? I already took away all the other comfort foods, can't this stay? I'm slowly reducing the sugar levels. This is the only thing keeping me sane. The first week I was good. The second I felt hard done by. Now I feel denied. Denial is always my undoing. L—— says she is helping to remove things that promote emotional eating. I maintain I have had a blessed life with no major traumas—I don't know where my emotional eating comes from. But, if anything, I feel like this process is making me angrier than I was before I started. And I think it comes down to two 'd' words denial and disappointment. I am disappointed because I feel denied. My want for what I can't have is greater than my want to not have it.
I sound negative. But I want this to work. I was nervous on the first day I went because I thought I would walk out of there never inclined to eat anything sweet again and there would be something missing from my life. Now I wish that had actually happened. This is still too much on my own shoulders. I know. You are all going to say that is just how it works, that everything is always on our own shoulders. God dammit! I'm tired of being responsible for myself. Of course, if someone tries to take control of me, they soon see the unrelinquishability of my personal responsibility. But that's different. Tell me, how do you get yourself to want to want to do something? If your answer looks like it could be put with a nice picture on Pinterest, do that, but please don't tell me because emotional and heartfelt inspiration is just not going to cut it for me today. I want measurable, concrete, scientific, implementable ideas. I want out of my head. I wish hypnotism worked.
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