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Monday, February 17, 2014

Day 304: You're Starting to Feel Very Sleepy

Caution: Seemingly angry woman writing ahead! Take with generous amount of salt.

One of the forty-six things I want to get done this year, between birthdays, is get hypnotised in order to lose weight. Ah, yes, loosing weight: that most useful of life pursuits! Anyway, I had come across hurdles and impasses—mainly due to an extreme dislike of attending doctor's surgeries, even for the purpose of a referral and especially because, in order to get one, the one charlatan sleazoid I did see advised I would have to go on a mental health plan. Don't even get me started on patriarchal medicinal control of women, misdiagnoses of hysteria based on gender, or the warped nature of body image! But I did, with the help of the boy, locate a non-referral hypnotherapist and so far have attended three of six sessions designed to make me forget biscuits, change my lifestyle forever and loose weight. Can I say, I want to believe, but I'm skeptical. Here's what's going through my head:

One: I thought I was suggestible. I love advertising and images, and I am suckered into them. Always. 'Ooh, new marshmallow sweets, have to buy them next time I am at the shops.' I thought this would make me a good hypnotherapy candidate, but my damn conscious mind gets to work as soon L——, my therapist, starts doing her thing. It's a little monologue going something like this: 'I'm still awake; I can hear all this; You are supposed to hear it, it's not sleeping; Stop talking and listen; I can't see the things she is asking me to visualise; Oh this is a crock; Who just walked past; Sorry, what? What am I supposed to be doing again'. My conscious not allowing my subconscious to take every thing in. The thing about the subconscious is I'll never know if that is the case—except by my actions—and my actions aren't exactly screaming 'changed woman, not even fazed if you have a crate of biscuits in front of me'.

List_Addict               Irene

Two: She's a hypnotherapist, not a dietician. I know what I should and shouldn't eat. I also have my own ideas about what I do and don't consider good and bad foods. For example, I would rather have four percent fat in my milk than hyper-processed and sugar-increased 'altered' or 'alternative' milks such as skinny, soy or almond—given I don't use a lot of milk anyway. I didn't go this hypno track because I don't know what to do; I went because I don't want to do it. I don't want to lose weight, I want to want to lose weight. Subtle difference. I tried explaining that to L——, she came back with: 'You can choose one of two paths, you can eat things that are good for your body and make you healthy, or you can eat things that are bad for you'. Umm yeah, but one of those paths tastes better and is easier to do when shopping is a chore from hell.

Three: Why do I need to cut so much coffee out of my life? I already took away all the other comfort foods, can't this stay? I'm slowly reducing the sugar levels. This is the only thing keeping me sane. The first week I was good. The second I felt hard done by. Now I feel denied. Denial is always my undoing. L—— says she is helping to remove things that promote emotional eating. I maintain I have had a blessed life with no major traumas—I don't know where my emotional eating comes from. But, if anything, I feel like this process is making me angrier than I was before I started. And I think it comes down to two 'd' words denial and disappointment. I am disappointed because I feel denied. My want for what I can't have is greater than my want to not have it.

I sound negative. But I want this to work. I was nervous on the first day I went because I thought I would walk out of there never inclined to eat anything sweet again and there would be something missing from my life. Now I wish that had actually happened. This is still too much on my own shoulders. I know. You are all going to say that is just how it works, that everything is always on our own shoulders. God dammit! I'm tired of being responsible for myself. Of course, if someone tries to take control of me, they soon see the unrelinquishability of my personal responsibility. But that's different. Tell me, how do you get yourself to want to want to do something? If your answer looks like it could be put with a nice picture on Pinterest, do that, but please don't tell me because emotional and heartfelt inspiration is just not going to cut it for me today. I want measurable, concrete, scientific, implementable ideas. I want out of my head. I wish hypnotism worked.


The Outfit
Clearing the Closet: It’s time to go navy blue vest. Thanks for the travels but I don't think I am really a vest kind of girl.
Top: Op-shopped
Vest: Op-shopped
Jeans: Target
Necklace and Bracelets: Assorted Junk Jewellery Outlets
Shoes: Irregular Choice 'Whoopi'


Photographer de Jour: Moi


Who Wore It Better?



Getting linky today with:

pleated poppy






KimbaLikes


3 comments:

  1. Oh man. I feel for you. Every single time in my life I every tried to diet I gained weight. It was the feeling that I can't have something so then suddenly that was ALL I thought about, day and night. Like you wrote, denial. I hate being denied anything.

    The only way I ever lost any real weight was to run, lots. And it wasn't fun and I had to force myself to do it. The good thing is that I'm very competitive so I had a girlfriend I was competing with and that fuelled about 85% of my runs. When I run I'm always less hungry.

    Then I plateaued with the running and couldn't lose that last 10 lbs. Cue the life altering illness and then I lost that pesky 10 lbs, maybe 15 lbs, well 20 for the first week but now 5 has crawled back on. I would never recommend this way of losing weight to anyone.

    You know the phrase, "I almost died to lose the weight." Too close to the truth. I don't know that I would have been able to lose it otherwise though. I literally did not eat anything for 10 days and then very little for another 20 after that.

    Now I am paranoid about it starting to creep back on when I'm not looking. I'm diligent about not overeating, but I still have dessert etc. I try not to eat as much and be satisfied with less.

    I also find if I'm really absorbed in something I'm practically never hungry. If I sit in front of the TV I'm hungry right away.

    Keep us updated with your sessions. I always wondered how they would be and if they would work.

    bisous
    Suzanne
    PS…there is a post I'd like your input on today on my blog about refusing to be defined by our age. I know you'd have something brilliant to add to the conversation.

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  2. As I post this comment you are already losing weight, Beautiful List Addict. You will get there.

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  3. I am trying to lose a bit of weight to help with my running and it is so hard :( aww whoopi Love your shoes, you know you have me addicted to them now? haha I have 5 pairs now :) all the best with your goals :)

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